The way this woman writes about experiencing cancer is spot on. I especially relate to the parts about bravery, fatigue, children, my spouse, and physical changes. I could not have written it better myself, so I’m copying the link here.
Dear every cancer patient I ever took care of, I’m sorry. I didn’t get it.
Another treatment in the books! We’re down to two left now after I can recover from this one. I was extremely tired when I got home from this one and went right to sleep for a couple of hours. My feet also hurt (soreness, not burning or swelling) so that’s a new symptom. Hoping they aren’t too bad in the morning. My friend Melanie Williams came with me today. She’s a very close friend and has posted many encouraging things on this page. I’m so glad to have her friendship in my life- work, family, running, health, now this… she’s been there through everything!
I forgot to post from last week’s treatment… so I’ll do it tonight before tomorrow’s treatment. My friend, Christina Dawson, came with me. She was so helpful at the beginning of this diagnosis- helping me navigate this foreign world and connecting me with resources I have used over the last few months. It was nice to spend time with her as we’re nearing the end of chemo. I have 3 more treatments left now. I can do this… I can do 3 more!
The most notable improvement has been with my mouth sores. They are getting better and I am able to enjoy eating some foods. Mostly bland foods, but at least I can eat. My stomach is still getting used to knowing what to do with solids, but this will all improve over time.
My body is still very weak because of my weight loss and fatigue. I look forward to feeling well enough to start working out again and building some muscle. I’m not used to feeling so weak and tired for so long. The other side effects- neuropathy and bone pain continue to be tolerable.
One other difference- if you look very closely in just the right light you can see hair growing back on my head. It’s so light blonde that you can barely tell it’s there. I will continue to wash with shampoo and conditioner… can’t let a few hairs get greasy. Go Cavs and Go Pens! This is an exciting time of year… for a lot of things.
Addendum: not 10 minutes after I wrote that, I was complaining to Rob about how sore my fingernails are and whining that I don’t want to go to treatment tomorrow. I fluctuate from positive to negative just like that. Or maybe I’m always feeling some of both. Hard to describe, but it is what it is.
Something very exciting happened this evening- I ATE A HAMBURGER! An entire burger from Steak N Shake with cheese and mayo (neither of which I liked prior to today). I also had a milkshake with it. It felt so much like a normal meal. I had to take my mouthwash before it; take bites of applesauce in between; and direct food away from the biggest, lingering mouth sore. But it worked… and I enjoyed it. I’m so hopeful that the lower dose of chemo might mean these mouth sores might improve and stay away. This meal gave me a little hope that enjoying food might be in my near future again. So for tonight, I’ll consider this a victory.
“There is no force equal to that of a determined woman.”
Another Thursday… another chemo treatment. These are really getting old. And as much as I try to remind myself how far I’m getting, it still just feels never-ending to me. Thankfully I got to hang out with my friend, Hannah today. And Rob made it out for the end of the treatment. The best news- I gained a half of a pound!! This is the first time my weight has gone up since I started! I still have mouth sores, but they’re not as painful in the last couple of days so I can tolerate a little bit of “real” food. I’ve also loved drinking milk this past week- at least a thermos filled with it every day. The milk is so soothing to me. Never would’ve predicted that one. And I’ve been making fried bananas! I loved them years ago when I was introduced to them in Costa Rica. Wouldn’t have guessed I’d be making them again 20 years later to get through chemo!
My oncologist also lowered the dose of chemo this week. As she said, I’m “20% off now.” 
. She made this adjustment since my numbness in my fingers did not subside between treatments and it’s ok to do since my weight is lower than when I started the Taxol. I’m hoping this lower dosage might mean less mouth sores as well. I can hope… and I’ll keep you posted.
Amber Pierce Norman hung out with me for today’s treatment. I wish it was at a different place and for a different reason, but at least we had some quiet time to chat. Still pushing through these treatments. (I’m so tired of them!!)
Thanks to everyone who has helped us recently with dinners, cleaning, carpooling, having the girls over, etc. This is a busy time of year, and I can’t just pause everyone’s life until I feel better. Boy, wouldn’t that be nice? So I appreciate the amazing support from local people. And of course, the cards and messages from everyone. 5 more left!!
Six more left. This chemo thing is really getting old, so 6 seems so far away. So we’re just truckin along. My mouth sores are still my biggest complaint, so prayers for those to go away are appreciated. I haven’t gained weight like I was hoping, but my oncologist said my bloodwork shows my nutrition is good (I’ve lost weight but I’m not malnourished). Guess all that Ensure is doing its job. She also said she’s impressed with my progress; including my attitude. (She doesn’t see me at home or read all these posts 
). The treatment itself was pretty typical again today… but with my friend, Michael Clay Donnell stayed to keep me company this time. Thanks for the messages and cards and help this week. I’ve really felt loved. Have a nice Friday, everyone. Eat some pizza or popcorn or a giant chef salad for me!!
This is what a chemo treatment looks like after the scales have tipped with more treatments behind me than in front of me. And sweet to share it with one of my closest friends, Cinnamon Leonard. Not much different to report today. The oncologist confirmed that I’m doing everything right for my mouth sores, but this stubborn one under my tongue is just a bad one that’s taking a while to heal. She advised me to be patient and “give it time”. Time is funny- it just keeps going. Sometimes it flies by (like how are my girls almost done with the school year already)? And sometimes it’s a snail’s pace (like the last 15 min of a long boring class that seem to take an eternity). Well, chemo is definitely in the “boring class” category. To me, it feels like this is taking forever and it’s depressing to think I’m barely past the halfway point. Julie Nawrocky Reis‘s wise words to “be patient with my body” have become another mantra of mine. I just want to feel better and move this along. But it’s out of my control and I have to be patient with my treatment plan. In my narrow-focused view, I get caught up in the thoughts that I haven’t well in 4 months and this mouth sore has been here for so long. But in the view of the big picture, I need to remember that my body is doing crazy stuff now- like cells being killed off then regenerating healthy ones; and hemoglobin counts recuperating within 6 days; and that thank goodness I’ve still fought off any kind of infection that could put me in the hospital. God really did make miraculous creations with our bodies. Though mine is still in the fight, it’s not losing, it’s just getting bruised up while I’m here and those will heal when I’m done. And it’s not just physically but spiritually as well. I’m paraphrasing here, but Rick Atchley said something like “doubts mean you’re wrestling and wrestling makes you stronger.” Isn’t that so true?! I guess I’m going to be stronger than ever after this! 
So I appreciate all the words of encouragement, positivity, and God’s goodness because I need those externally when they’re not coming easily from me internally. Thanks to Kara Ulmer and my mom for reminding me of that today. Love you all. Enjoy eating this week- it’s such an under appreciated gift!
Another one done!! I was blessed with the company of Keely Anne Smith Jividen during treatment. And Rob was able to come near the end of it, too. Nothing new during the treatment… I was fairly comfortable again even with the ice packs. Dr. Rehmus (my oncologist) felt around my lymph nodes a LOT and said she couldn’t feel any… so we’re hopeful it’s out of there now, too! She’s happy with my progress, so I’m happy. As much as I wish I had more time between treatments to enjoy “good days” before the next one, I also like that we’re crossing these off the countdown relatively quickly now that’s they’re weekly. And although I was so confident that I had gained weight, I was wrong- down 1 lb today. But, I’ve got a nutritional plan for bringing that up for next week. So just give me a little more time. 
😉
Thanks for all the texts and messages today. Your encouragement is so helpful in getting me through this. Love, love.
“The comeback is always stronger than the setback.”
And just that quickly (to you all, not me) another week has passed and it’s almost time for another chemo. Thank you to everyone who has checked on me to see how things are going. This week was pretty similar to the last one, so I’m wondering if maybe there is some semblance of a predictable response here. The first couple days after treatment I felt ok but very tired. My neuropathy is worse on Saturdays and Sundays then subsides slowly into Monday and Tuesday. But the gabapentin helps it tremendously. I have intermittent bone pain, but nothing like the intense pain with the A/C chemo. I’m not too nauseous (YAY!!) but still have mouth sores and a crazy sensitive tongue that interfere with eating. (I have prescriptions for it, and I’m doing everything I can.) These also are not as bad as before and don’t start until around Monday. I’ve managed to eat a few new foods this week- cucumbers, bread dipped in soup, and a few bites of cheesecake (thanks, Jen Wedo!) though applesauce and slushies are still my favorite. I’m confident that I will have gained another couple pounds at my weigh-in tomorrow. My fingernails are tender, especially on my index fingers. Cinnamon Leonard, my “personal manicurist” 😉, has helped me keep them looking ok while I still have them. I still have moments where I’m just tired of all of this and want it to be over. But I try to keep the big picture in mind and realize that tomorrow I’ll have half of my chemo treatments finished!!! Halfway, people!!! That’s progress.
This week’s confession- it’s hard for me to trust God and to pray boldly for healing and for this to never return- mostly because of the implications then if it really would return in the future. Following the suggestion of my friend, Christina Cheronis, I’m asking for you all to pray for that and help carry it for me until I can do it myself. Thank you, as always, for the unending love and support. We’re doing this!!!!!
Scars in the Sunlight 