Fresh air and sunlight are hitting my bald head as I type this out on our deck. It may have taken me all morning to get up, shower, and get out here (it’s almost 3:00), but it’s worth it. I needed to catch up on sleep today after the weekend.
Friday evening Rob and I saw “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night”- it’s an amazing play that was in Cleveland over the weekend. It was one of the most creative things I’ve ever seen and I loved it! By Friday night my hands were already starting to hurt. The neuropathy set in pretty hard overnight and kept me up a lot with swelling and throbbing.
Saturday was pretty laid back- just trying to take it easy and not have to do much. Yesterday was my attempt at doing more typical things- we went to church in the morning (when did going to church become so exhausting?) and then took the girls to see the “Beauty and the Beast” musical at the local high school. I can remember when those 2 things would easily be just part of many things on a Sunday. Now, they take my entire energy reserve to get through. But you know what- totally worth it. Praising God with church family and quality time with Rob and the girls… it doesn’t get much better (well maybe it’d be better if I could move my hands, but that’s beside the point.)
A friend brought dinner last night and we had a lovely evening eating outside. Yep, you heard that right- “eating”. Me. I did it. I had a normal size serving of chicken noodle soup and it was delicious!! And it stayed down! I’m hoping it’s a sign that normal food intake is in my near future… fingers crossed.
So, everyone reading this- enjoy your food today and hopefully it’s sunny where you are as well. Take a deep breath and soak up even a moment of this day. Every moment has a purpose… this one is rejuvenating my spirit.
Tag Archives: breast cancer
Taxol
Today was the first of 12 weekly chemo treatments of Taxol. It’s supposed to be easier to tolerate than the last 2 months… I sure hope they’re right! I was nervous about the new drug and the risk of a reaction to it, but it went off without a hitch. The most common side effect of this one is neuropathy in the hands and feet. My oncologist does everything possible to keep it minimal and hopefully prevent it from being permanent. So she put my hands and feet in ice while I was getting the Taxol. It was strange, and uncomfortable- hard to relax like that. But if it helps, I’m all for it!
Another survivor friend came over tonight and it was good for my soul- relating to things only fellow chemo fighters with young kids can understand, and encouraging me by hearing of her life now after cancer. That will be such a wonderful time someday!
Rob got tickets for us to see a play in Cleveland tomorrow evening as an early bday gift for me. If you feel compelled, please pray that I feel well enough for us to enjoy the special night!
Sending love to the Caldwells in Strawpump (and those all over) as we remember my cousin’s bday who made her way to heaven after her own courageous cancer battle. So proud to share our mutual descent from that woman with a heart of gold. Love, love!
He is breathing on MY dry bones…
It’s difficult to know what to say to update everyone in this post and how many details to share. This was definitely the worst round of chemo, even knowing what to expect and armed with my arsenal of remedies for side effects. I was physically and emotionally at my lowest and had a hard time coming out of it. Like, it’s been 13 days and today was the first that I can say was not miserable. Coming out on the other side of it, I can share some beautiful things. My parents and brother were all out here to help out and love on me when I needed it. It was so depressing to see everyone’s fun spring break pics while I was barely getting out of bed, but now I see the gift of timing to be able to send my girls to PA for the worst parts of it so they didn’t have to see me so miserable and just have fun with their cousins. I have seen the value of friends who know how to love me and encourage me through the worst of the worst. I cannot say enough about Rob and his ability to help me through this. He knows me so well- when to let me rest, and when to push me to get out of bed; when to make me drink an Ensure and when to just bring home a slushie (I still think I could live on slushies and applesauce at this point); when to call on my friends to come encourage me even when I thought I didn’t want to see people; and when to stop in the middle of life and give me a hug. The hug was very much needed on Thursday, when I learned that a friend fighting a different kind of cancer lost her battle. This disease is awful. And way too prevalent. This treatment is barbaric and ugly. I don’t want to do it, but it’s my place right now. And I’m floundering my way through it.
The picture I posted below was actually taken when I wasn’t feeling too bad yesterday. It was warm outside and there’s something so healing about breathing fresh air and hearing birds chirping around you.
I don’t write all of this to make you feel bad for me. But more importantly, so you know what this experience looks like. And to know how I get through it. The misery I felt this round definitely tested my faith, and will surely happen again (the testing, not the misery). But as sad and lonely as I felt in the hours of being up all night or soaking in the tub for comfort, I’m not alone. I have a God strong enough to get me through this when I can’t. Thank goodness, because I don’t know how I would do it otherwise. I heard the song “Oh My Soul” (the link is below) right after round 3 and played it repeatedly these last 2 weeks. There’s something so powerful in the lyrics:
I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out
‘Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
I’m not strong enough, I can’t take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under
This is MY valley… He is breathing on MY dry bones… One more day He will make MY way…. MY shipwrecked faith…He can keep me from going under. I don’t expect to be shouting from mountaintops in a beautiful unscarred journey. But I will get through this my own messy, miserable, broken way… with Him.
(Side note: Just now as I went to find the link for the song, I learned that the artist wrote this about his own battle with cancer. No wonder it resonates so closely with my experience. Thank you, God, for knowing what I need to hear. And knowing it usually comes through music for me. And thank you, everyone who is reading this and part of this group, for holding space with me and reminding me of your presence even in my silence.)
Today, please say a prayer for the sister of my friend who is no longer here, and her family. Her sister has been a dear friend for many years and this is really hard for the entire family. God will know who you mean. The family could use some comfort tonight.
Round 4 Is Done! (No More AC Chemo)
Round #4 is done. My sweet friend Carly drove into town from PA to be with me for it. The doctor continued with the changes from last time to slow the administration rate of the Cytoxan drug (which prevented headaches last time.) I have scheduled IV hydration again on Monday since it’s so hard to eat/drink on the weekend right after. The oncologist cannot feel anything! No lump, no change in tissue, and swollen lymph node!! Praise God! It’s so helpful to know that these horrible drugs are at least doing something. Carly and I had a beautiful discussion starting with her saying, “how are we even here right now?” I’ve been in the day-to-day mode for so long that I haven’t taken a step back much to think about where I am in all of this. And I don’t know how I got here, when 2 months ago this was nowhere near being on my radar. It’s hard to believe, but I’m sure glad I have such loving support from her and all of you to hold my hand through it all. Friends make the best therapists.
After Round 3
Round 3 is done and I’m starting to feel more like myself again. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world (trying to stay positive here). The additional pain meds for bone pain helped a little, and the IV hydration on Monday definitely made a difference this time around. I did the three things I really wanted to do over the weekend- Rob’s birthday celebration Friday, Liana’s cheer game on Saturday, and Olivia’s dance competition on Sunday. Each thing took a while to get ready for (I walk around here like a sloth) and required sleeping before and after. But that’s apparently my routine on chemo weekends. I also slept most of the day Monday, which my body needed. I was so anxious going into round #3… and now it’s over. Just like every step of this that is so hard to take- it’s nice to look back on it from the other side with a sense of accomplishment.
Psalm 61:2 “when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.”
February 11 Update
I’m doing ok today- mostly fatigued- I keep falling asleep. I’ve taken nausea meds and they’re working fine. I just ate breakfast and it’s 1:00! The girls are at a friend’s for the afternoon so I have big plans for taking a walk and getting a shower. This slow pace will take some getting used to! Thanks for everyone checking on me.
Round #3 of Chemo
“Isn’t there supposed to be a tumor in there!?”…. those are the exact words my oncologist said when she felt for the tumor to do this week’s measurement! She was serious. I had to point out to her exactly where it was and she couldn’t even measure anything!! She was all smiles and happy with my response to the chemo so far. 🙂
The chemo is in so now we wait for the side effects. They slowed the administration of the one that gave me a headache last time, and I’ve already noticed difference. I should feel ok until tonight, so we’ll be able to celebrate Rob’s birthday. I have some different medicine to help with the bone pain this round, and already scheduled for IV hydration on Monday to help with dehydration that will likely happen tomorrow and Sunday. Feeling hopeful that these changes will make a difference and help me through this week.
Thanks for all the messages yesterday! Love, love. 🙂
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ ”
March 8 Update
Tomorrow is round #3 of chemo. I’ve heard it’s usually a tough one, so I’m not looking forward to it. These days/weeks are definitely like a roller coaster. The physical and emotional effects change from day to day, and a lot of the recovery is managing one side effect to the next. These last couple of days leading up to treatment are when I’m feeling best. The sunshine helped boost my spirits even more today. I had a pretty normal day at work and then got in a run this evening while the sun was still out. I’m so thankful to work with supportive, wonderful women. If you’re reading this and wondering what to pray for, I’d ask for prayers that I’m able to stay hydrated well through the weekend. And that the girls get through their “normal” weekend activities (dance, cheer, celebrations) without too much disruption. Their sweet spirits are good for the soul. :)Also, Friday is Rob’s birthday. So I’m hoping I feel well enough for most of the day to enjoy celebrating this man who is helping me through the hardest thing we’ve done together. Thanks for all the kindness and love, everyone!!
The Unmaking
“This is the unmaking.
Beauty in the breaking.
Had to lose myself to find out who You are.
Before each beginning,
there must be an ending.
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars…
…Only when we’re broken are we whole…
…I’ll gather the same stones where
Everything came crashing down.
I’ll build you an altar there
on the same ground.”
This song played through my head the entire morning of my first treatment. And I’ve listened to it every day since then… several times. I feel like “unmaking” is a perfect description of how I feel. For the first time in my life, I have very little control of my physical health. I have to follow protocol to have poison injected into me for 5 months. I have to feel fatigued and nauseous. I have to lose my hair and feel less like myself than ever before. And it’s all for healing. Every negative symptom shows me that the chemo is working and every healthy cell that is killed (“unmade”) in the process is beautiful in that it will eventually be replaced by only healthy cells. I’m feeling physically broken, but hopefully this is a temporary dark night before a beautiful new beginning. That my body will be “normal” again in the future, and can be re-made as a healthier altar where the Holy Spirit dwells to use me for wonderful things.
February 13 Update
Hey everyone. Just wanted to let you all know I’m doing well. Feeling more like myself today after sleeping away most of the weekend. I’m learning the balance of the meds and their side effects- like that nausea meds knock me out for a few hours. Better to sleep than to be sick though. 🙂 I so appreciate everyone’s texts and messages the day of my treatment and through the weekend. It was hard to respond to everyone, but know that I read them all and love hearing from people. My friend also started a gofundme page yesterday. I don’t know how to show appreciation for that… it’s so beyond generosity that I expected. I’m thankful to everyone who has contributed to easing the financial burden for us, and mostly for allowing us to have some sense of normalcy for our girls. Words are not enough…
Scars in the Sunlight 