Thursday was a big day… my last chemo treatment! I still have surgery and radiation ahead of me, so there’s a lot more to go. But chemo is supposedly the hardest part, so marking the end of it feels good!! The nurses in these pictures are such special people. The one in the picture with the cupcake was there for my very first chemo, my first Taxol chemo, and my final treatment. She’s great… they all are.
As I got home from chemo yesterday, an unfamiliar minivan pulled in behind me- and out came the Hopwoods!!!! My dear cousin, Jenn Javor-Hopwood, made a surprise visit with her 4 kids (2 of which I hadn’t even met yet). Spending time with loved ones like this- walking, biking, or just sitting around, is joyful. We used to hang out regularly at our grandma’s house when we were growing up. So just being in their presence takes me back to that and brings such a sense of comfort and peace. Now there’s just a lot more little people around us who need fed and helped on their bikes/scooters. I’ve said it before- sweet days like yesterday are very bright spots in this otherwise dim experience. And the light lasts a long longer!
There was a night over the weekend that the girls both fell asleep in our bed. After they were both asleep, I was ready and shimmied in between them to take my spot for the night. No sooner could I let out the sigh that comes when you’ve settled under the sheets after a long day, the girls simultaneously rolled in toward me and each put their arm around me. It was a perfect moment, and I couldn’t help but immediately say a prayer thanking God for them in my life. I couldn’t have held back the prayer if I tried… it was such a natural response to feeling my babies on either side of me in their peaceful rest. The moment stood out to me so much because, honestly, it’s been hard to pray sometimes through this (I think I’ve mentioned this before, but don’t want to read through old posts to check). I can’t explain it, but I can say that I’ve shared it with some people in similar situations who say they’ve experienced the same thing. And I know I have so many people who have been praying for me and carrying that for me, that it’s ok when I don’t. I’ve tried to figure out why this is, along with a lot of things through this experience. Two things stand out- the first is the amount of love God has surrounded me with- probably in preparation to get me through this. I’ve heard the song “In the Eye of the Storm” many times, but the other day I had a realization. There’s a part in the chorus that says “You alone are the anchor when my sails are torn. Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm.” Every time I’ve heard this in the past, I’ve pictured God surrounding a worn, broken boat in the middle of the sea with some imagery of protection like a force field around the boat and God looking down making it happen (don’t laugh). You know what I pictured for the first time the other day- all of you! I actually pictured me sitting on that boat with the faces and bodies of all of you being the “love surrounding me”. Like hundreds of people I love around me, standing on the water (not sure how that would happen), with arms out like a giant group hug just waiting for me and keeping me safe! It was a beautiful picture that I wish I could paint or put on paper somehow. YOU all are the LOVE that God has talked about. You have been in my life in part because He knew His love would be shown to me through you… and He knew I would need it to get through this. A specific example of that is your willingness to lift me in prayer when I just can’t do it on my own. Someday when I’m healthy again, I hope to show you all that same love and surround you when you need it most.
And now that I read how long this became, I’m going say this is part 1 of 2. Part 2 to come tomorrow. Because it’s another long one and I don’t want to bore you too much. 
But I’ll also add the link to that song just in case you haven’t heard it.
Shout out to our amazing friend/neighbor/babysitter, Jessica Eckhart. She loves our girls so well and has always picked up where I slack in the area of arts and crafts. She has been tremendously helpful to us since January. And now that the weather has warmed up, she is also doing things like taking the girls to Brandywine Falls, the zoo, and other outdoor adventures. I love having friends that are able to do the things with my kids that I don’t have energy for these days.
That may look like it’s just my sister playing with our girls. But that woman right there is so much more than that. She’s my identical twin, which means when she comes to Ohio to visit there’s literally another one of me here. Another human who does things pretty much the same way I do. I’ve been too tired to really play with my girls the way I want to… but she does! I’m just a little too down lately to belt out random songs in a key that’s nowhere near accurate…. but she does! And I don’t have the energy (or referee patience) to stand and play 4-square with the girls… but she can. Today I watched her play 4-square as I sat half-asleep in a nearby chair, remembering what seemed like the hours we played with our brother and cousin, Amy, at the Cool Valley playground every summer. Such a simple game, so many hours of fun. Another moment now that reminds me of my cousin and my childhood. I wish you all could’ve known Amy- she was my example of courage. I think she’d get a kick out of watching our children playing this together. And I love when those kinds of memories come to mind. As much as I wish I wasn’t going through this, I can appreciate the fact that it’s triggering sweet memories…. or maybe it’s just slowing me down enough to recognize and appreciate the memories when they sneak in.
Special visitors today! Aunt Dolly and Uncle Bruce drove from PA this afternoon- bringing pot pies, applesauce, a lesson in Oreo dessert making, and some Strawpump love. She gave me her t-shirt and pinwheel from the Pgh Komen breast cancer walk that she did (you can see in the pics). Bonus that Trisha and her girls were visiting at the same time. Some days feel extra special… this is one of them.
Something very exciting happened this evening- I ATE A HAMBURGER! An entire burger from Steak N Shake with cheese and mayo (neither of which I liked prior to today). I also had a milkshake with it. It felt so much like a normal meal. I had to take my mouthwash before it; take bites of applesauce in between; and direct food away from the biggest, lingering mouth sore. But it worked… and I enjoyed it. I’m so hopeful that the lower dose of chemo might mean these mouth sores might improve and stay away. This meal gave me a little hope that enjoying food might be in my near future again. So for tonight, I’ll consider this a victory.
“There is no force equal to that of a determined woman.”
Today I feel like a lucky girl… and that’s not easily said in the middle of a cancer fight. I spent the morning at Olivia’s dance competition (she did great, by the way.) I came home to beautiful flowers planted by even more beautiful friends. Had a visit from my Aunt Pat and cousins. Then had a quiet evening with just Liana at home as Olivia stayed at her friend’s house. And you know what happened in the middle of it all- I ate a sandwich! A gourmet grilled cheese with artichokes from Lockview. For out-of-towners, Lockview is known for their amazing grilled cheese sandwiches. This is the best Saturday I’ve had in a while. I’ve had good moments on Saturdays, but this whole day felt good. I’m exhausted. But tonight, when I lay down for bed, I will close my eyes with a smile on my face.
“Inhale courage, exhale fear.” (Julie Nawrocky Reis)
This was a map Liana made at school today. She said she put the hairdresser next to the hospital so that “if they tell you at the hospital that you have cancer you can walk right next door to get your hair buzzed off.”
I was ready for the pain. I had so many remedies ready for the neuropathy pain-medicine, cooling towels, bath gloves, oils, lotions. I was prepared for it to kick in overnight… but it barely did!!! I woke up with my right hand swollen and not flexible, but not throbbing or burning and not nearly the level of pain I felt last week. So far my feet feel fine and my left hand is just slightly uncomfortable. I’m so excited!! I’ve also been able to eat a few things aside from my applesauce and slushies! Things are looking up and this girl is hopeful!! Have a fabulous Easter weekend everyone!!! Thanks for all the prayers… they’re helping!
Scars in the Sunlight 