Scars in the Sunlight

With Shelly Vaughn

Tag Archives: family


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“Because You Loved Me”

I went in for my annual MRI scan on Monday and came out with good results and a sweet story!

If you haven’t had an MRI, know that the machine is a tube that you enter and have to stay still for the duration of the test. For my breast MRIs, I have to lay face down and enter the machine feet first, while my face is squished in a cushion and an IV is in my arm above my head. (My “boobs” are pulled down to hang through the table like udders- it’s ridiculous and weird.) It’s not comfortable at all- not that any position would be comfortable if you can’t move for 45-60 minutes.

The machine is also really loud- it clanks and bangs and is hard to describe. In order to take your mind off of things, and in a poor attempt to drown out the loud noises, the techs give you a set of headphones to listen to music during the test. And they always ask what kind of music you’d like to listen to. Every time I go, I request something different. Last time I asked for 80s, which ended up being more of 80s Rock than the Cyndi Lauper or Madonna that I was hoping for.

So this time, I asked for 90s hits. The day before, I had just hung out with some of my best friends from the 90s and the music from the decade always reminds me of the best times we had in middle school. When I decided to ask for 90s hits, I was really hoping for something upbeat and cheesy- maybe some Ace of Base or The Offspring.

As the machine started moving me backwards into the unknown, I heard the tech in my headphones say, ok, we’ll start your music now just be still.

The music turned on right in the middle of Celine Dion’s “Because You Loved Me.” No, this wasn’t the upbeat fun song I was hoping for… it was better. This was the song that my mom and I danced to at my wedding.

Thanks for being with me, mom. I love you.


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Chimes

One of the best things about having a Spring birthday is that I always feel inspired to run at some point in the day. This year, it was in the morning before the rain came. It was dreary and chilly, but I knew I wouldn’t be out long.

The destination for this run was to my mom’s memorial tree. It’s 2 miles from our house- the perfect
distance to get to anytime.

I’ve been to her tree dozens of times now. I think about her, talk to her, and feel close to her when I’m there. It’s usually very calming and peaceful.

Not sure why today was different, but as soon as I got there I just started crying. Then sobbing. I could barely even form a thought in my mind as I was trying to talk myself out of the emotions… I was just so sad. I kneeled down and put my head on the plaque with her name and let it out. It was embarrassing and gross, but apparently necessary.

Last year, my cousin left a wind chime on the tree and it’s beautiful. But it’s also kind of heavy, which means it would take a lot of wind to move the chime and make noise. In all the times I’ve been there in wind and rain and sun and breezes, I’ve never heard it chime.

You know where this is going…

As my head was down and I was a mess, I felt a very light breeze and heard the wind chime! Probably 10-12 little, high-pitched “ding-ding-dings”… then it stopped. I stopped to listen. Stopped crying. The breeze continued but the chimes didn’t move again.

That, friends, was my mom. A woman who always comforted me when she was on earth, now found a way to comfort me from heaven.

I wiped my tears, stood back up with a sense of genuine “okayness”, and finished my run for the morning.

I love mom so much that the pain of missing her is hard to allow myself to feel. But if I had not allowed myself to feel that painful moment, I would have missed feeling her presence, too.

Thank you for such a wonderful birthday gift, mom!

“don’t look away from the arms of a bad dream.

…don’t look away from the arms of a moment.

Don’t look away from the arms of love.”

– Green Day “The Forgotten”


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Build A Puzzle

I’ve always loved this “Day and Night” print by MC Escher. He combines beauty, geometry, and illusion into mesmerizing works of art.

Rob and I bought this puzzle for Aunt Pat’s 70th birthday. After she passed away, her daughter suggested that everyone who wanted should take a puzzle of hers with them, so I brought this one home and pulled it out at the start of our “stay at home” weekends. We finished it last week, but the kittens got a hold of a few pieces that we weren’t able to find.

Staring at the final product with those 3 pieces missing, I can’t help but feel it so fitting. The puzzle is complete, but with obvious holes. Just like our lives after a loved one is gone. You can still see the entire picture, but there is a space not fillable by anything other than that piece that was there. So those spots remain empty. Some are very noticeable; others might be overlooked at a glance but are still there. Feels like our life after losing someone. And today, on her birthday, the empty spot where Ant Pat was feels very obvious.

I actually didn’t know when we bought this for her that she was also such a big MC Escher fan. But it makes sense. A lot makes sense when I think about her and the things I’ve grown to love in life- puzzles and games, MC Escher, jacks, painting kitchen cabinets, brain teasers, April birthdays, miniatures, notes of encouragement posted in our living space. Spending time in her home a few weeks ago reminded me of how much of her is in me. It was so comforting and inspiring.

Ironically, it reminds me of four words she spoke to me the last day that she was able to talk to us. After sitting next to her hospital bed for a few minutes, she grabbed the infinity scarf I was wearing and pulled me closer to her. In single, breathy, labored words she said, “Strawpump…is…in…you.”

That likely doesn’t mean much to anyone outside of my family. Strawpump is the name of the town where my dad and his 11 brothers and sisters grew up. It’s the place where our family roots are planted. That small house in a tiny town where siblings raised siblings, life and meals were simple, and a generation learned to love from a woman with a heart of gold. Thankfully, my Aunt Marion still lives in that house so we can still go back to it. But I know that no matter where I am- where any of us are across the country- Strawpump is in us.

Those four words were a breathtaking compliment from Aunt Pat shortly before her soul left this world. It was an amazing gift. Up until then, another one of my favorite-ever gifts was a refinished water pump that Rob gave me last Christmas. Not only did he refinish and paint the pump, he also stenciled “Strawpump” on it. He knows me so well. I love it; and so did Aunt Pat when she came to visit us in September.

Today is her birthday. Her first one that we celebrate without her here. I will think of her all day. I will remember her four words that bring me comfort, especially during a time of such uncertainty in life. And I’ll be thankful for 2 important things that I’ve learned from her.

1. My new life goal: To live a life that people are proud to say about their character traits: “I get that from her.”

2. When life is stressful, build a puzzle.


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Spring Update

I think this has been the longest I’ve gone without posting an update. Sorry, everyone. That also means there are probably a lot of random things to talk about, but I’ll keep it as brief as possible.

Physically I’m doing really well. At the end of January, my surgeon stopped adding saline to my expanders because my skin won’t stretch anymore. So the size I am now is about the size I’ll be forever- a solid B! I’ll take it!

As planned, I have to stay at this point for 6 months then have one LAST surgery to replace the expanders with implants. So that surgery will be on July 19th. That’s just about 3 months away. I can hardly believe that I’m just 3 months away from the last step of this!

I’m gradually getting used to this body now. My chest and back are uncomfortable all of the time, but usually not painful. The hormone blocker that I have to take for at least 8 more years still causes joint pain, so I feel sore and stiff a lot. I’m trying to stay as active as possible to help with that.

In the last few weeks:

– I had a follow-up ultrasound to monitor the reactive lymph node under my armpit to reassure me (again for the 4th time) that it’s not malignant.

– My radiation oncologist officially discharged me from her care.

– My general surgeon said, “although you’re the highlight of my day, I don’t need to see you anymore”! (Since I have some attachment issues, I asked if I could come back in a year just so I can hear another person tell me I’m healthy.)

– The lymphedema on my right arm/hand is not too bad. The reconstructive surgery broke up some of the scar tissue that was impeding the lymph flow. So now it’s not nearly as swollen. Three of my fingers are large and my arm gets tight and uncomfortable sometimes, but nothing that a night of wearing my compression sleeve/glove can’t help.

Personally, life continues to be a constant mix of laughs, joy, frustration, peace and two pre-teen girls. Rob is busy training for the Akron marathon in September. The girls are busy with school, dance, and friends. We’re getting out to enjoy the nice weather. Work is going well but busier than I’m used to.

I’ve had a couple of sweet days with extended family that I’ll always remember (Toya Groves and Pat Smith- thanks to both of you for two special days.) I’ve also been spending some unexpected time with friends from home- time that is always cherished.

All in all- life is good. Some days the sun is shining and we feel the warmth on our skin. Some days it’s harder to feel it, but we know it’s there because we see the light. One of the greatest blessings we have is the light from the son.

Happy Spring.


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Never Be Alone

This date last year was my first chemo treatment. I’m so grateful to be on this side of it and be able to say that it’s over. But, man, that was the beginning of something so much harder than I anticipated.

As usual, this morning started out busy getting the girls off to school. I had a meeting and then had a chance to work with a boy who makes me smile and laugh for a full hour. Then as I had my first moment of reflective downtime, I noticed the sweetest text on my phone from my friend- which totally reminded me of how lucky I am to have such great friends; to have a God who has carried me through this; and to be here today to be able to reminisce. The timing of the text was perfect. Just like the timing of a phone call from my sister while I was having a little meltdown in the middle of the gym earlier this week. (I’m ok now, but those moments of feeling upset and not like “myself” still happen.)

This afternoon I was able to volunteer in Olivia’s classroom for her Valentine’s party. Again- it left me feeling so grateful to be able to be there and participate this year. And as I sit here reflecting on how this week went, I realize that’s pretty much the emotional roller coaster that is my life now. Mostly grateful, very sentimental, sometimes sad- and constantly reminded that I have never, and will never, be alone in this life- even when no one is around.


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I wonder if they’ll know…

I wonder if they’ll know…

That they are the reason people call me brave. Without them, I would not have gotten out of bed sometimes. Getting them ready for school meant getting up and moving when I’d rather stay in bed. Taking care of them while at my lowest, meant living.

That finding people to help with them has brought me closer to certain friends and has given me the gift of watching others love on my kids. Hearing people offer to help take them places has meant seeing light shine brightly from others.

That everytime someone has sent them a gift or a card it has made my heart fuller than gifts for myself. The first cards that came in the mail for them, from other siblings whose mom had been through cancer, remain two of the most cherished pieces of paper in our home.

That watching them sleep brings a sense of peace that is indescribable- it has been that way since they were babies.

How their giggles strike a chord deep inside of me- more beautiful than all the music I could ever listen to. Hearing them laugh with each other brings its own special peace in my soul- as I know they’re growing a special bond as sisters that no one else in the world will be able to relate to. And they’ll have each other long after Rob and I aren’t here.

That my biggest fear has not been for me leaving them. It’s that they would have to go through the grief of losing their mom.

That I worry more about how they are getting through this than how I am.

That I’m beyond proud of their resilience and sweet souls as we navigate these waters without guidance. What to say? How much to share? How to calm their worries. What is normal now? Should I tell them I’m scared? Should I let them see my scars? What does this mean for their futures? What if? What if not? My worries for them go far beyond anything for myself.

That caring for them, raising them, has been such a beautiful gift- given to us and wholly appreciated- now more than ever. We’ve been graciously given the task of raising these two beautiful, sweet, hilarious, emotional, loving souls. But they are not ours… they are His. Our Creator who made us, who knows them, who holds them through me. I am so thankful that they were created in my womb. The most miraculous feelings this body has ever known was growing those two inside of it. Though my body feels like it’s failing me now, it certainly didn’t then. The breasts that have recently caused such sorrow did their job to feed those two. These hormones that “fed” cancer also did their part to create life a decade ago. And I can be nothing but grateful for that.  

You know, chemo didn’t just make me feel bad- it made me feel like a different person. My best identity change was when I became a mother to my girls. It was planned, welcomed, expected. This year my identity changed- unplanned, unwelcomed, unexpected- so much that I couldn’t recognize myself. I was no longer strong, healthy, happy, easy going. Physical changes forced me to be ok with a body I couldn’t control. Emotional changes forced me to feel differently than ever before. That was an intentional “ly”. My emotional responses and interactions with others were so unlike anything I was used to. And one of the most noticeable struggles was how hard it was to laugh. It’s just so hard to do when your body is not well. But you know the two people who could make me laugh no matter what- those two beauties I have the privilege of calling my daughters. They are precious souls who show love just as often as they fight with each other. Thank you to everyone holding space with me who have loved on them. And to those of you who haven’t met them yet- you’re missing out. I think they’re a couple of the best humans I know. Watch for them to change your world…. just like they’ve changed mine.

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Meet At the Mountain Top

Rob posted some pictures on Facebook after our first day in Lake Tahoe. Well, my cousins who live a few hours away noticed the post and without hesitation said they were coming to meet us out there. They heard we were within driving distance so the only question was where we would meet them. I love that about my family… always there… always. We met them at South Tahoe and did a gondola ride that goes 2 miles high to see a perfect view of the lake. It was reminiscent of our customary Caldwell rides on the Pittsburgh incline during city excursions… but super-sized. I was so completely happy to see them and spend the afternoon catching up with them. We laughed and tried not to cry. These family ties are made strong by our tightly woven memories from childhood. We made more memories to add to that mosaic- creating quite a beautiful patchwork quilt in my soul. Grandma would love it!
Toya is the oldest “wise” one whose fear of heights is as sweet as it is funny. But she rode a gondola 2 miles high just to be with us for the afternoon. (She’s the one I’ve mentioned before who encourages me to write. I’m sure she also chuckled as she read that I called her “wise”). Tamica is just as free-spirited as ever, with a heart as beautiful as her smile. The two of them make an opinionated, stubborn (“Johnny Bull”) hysterical combination of love. I’m so proud to be related to them.
Toya’s words said it well: “We will always meet you on the mountain top! You made it cousin. Can’t wait to see what’s on the other side for you!!” I’m so thankful to be at the top of this mountain now. I’m not over it, but from up here I can see more clearly where I’m headed. And being at the top, surrounded by loved ones, is a pretty good place to be.


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Thankful

When I got home from my last chemo treatment on Thursday, I was surprised to see my dad, my sister’s kids, and my 3 closest friends from PA all waiting in the front yard for me- with balloons and signs and arms waiting for hugs. We spent the evening hanging out- reminiscing, catching up, looking at old yearbooks. It was the kind of evening where you wish time would stop so the night would never end. It was lovely and unforgettable. Thankful for such amazing love and support!


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Surprise Visit!

As I got home from chemo yesterday, an unfamiliar minivan pulled in behind me- and out came the Hopwoods!!!! My dear cousin, Jenn Javor-Hopwood, made a surprise visit with her 4 kids (2 of which I hadn’t even met yet). Spending time with loved ones like this- walking, biking, or just sitting around, is joyful. We used to hang out regularly at our grandma’s house when we were growing up. So just being in their presence takes me back to that and brings such a sense of comfort and peace. Now there’s just a lot more little people around us who need fed and helped on their bikes/scooters. I’ve said it before- sweet days like yesterday are very bright spots in this otherwise dim experience. And the light lasts a long longer!


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Sister

That may look like it’s just my sister playing with our girls. But that woman right there is so much more than that. She’s my identical twin, which means when she comes to Ohio to visit there’s literally another one of me here. Another human who does things pretty much the same way I do. I’ve been too tired to really play with my girls the way I want to… but she does! I’m just a little too down lately to belt out random songs in a key that’s nowhere near accurate…. but she does! And I don’t have the energy (or referee patience) to stand and play 4-square with the girls… but she can. Today I watched her play 4-square as I sat half-asleep in a nearby chair, remembering what seemed like the hours we played with our brother and cousin, Amy, at the Cool Valley playground every summer. Such a simple game, so many hours of fun. Another moment now that reminds me of my cousin and my childhood. I wish you all could’ve known Amy- she was my example of courage. I think she’d get a kick out of watching our children playing this together. And I love when those kinds of memories come to mind. As much as I wish I wasn’t going through this, I can appreciate the fact that it’s triggering sweet memories…. or maybe it’s just slowing me down enough to recognize and appreciate the memories when they sneak in.

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