1- My mouth sores have improved so much over the last 2 weeks that I can eat a lot more foods now!!! 
I gained 2 pounds last week!
2- My eyebrows, however, have taken a downturn and are suddenly getting very thin. And apparently, this is the year that thick eyebrows are making a comeback and all of the celebrities have thick ones… go figure. 
3- Wonder Woman is amazing! The woman and the movie. You’ll walk away wanting to take on the world. Go see it. 
There was a night over the weekend that the girls both fell asleep in our bed. After they were both asleep, I was ready and shimmied in between them to take my spot for the night. No sooner could I let out the sigh that comes when you’ve settled under the sheets after a long day, the girls simultaneously rolled in toward me and each put their arm around me. It was a perfect moment, and I couldn’t help but immediately say a prayer thanking God for them in my life. I couldn’t have held back the prayer if I tried… it was such a natural response to feeling my babies on either side of me in their peaceful rest. The moment stood out to me so much because, honestly, it’s been hard to pray sometimes through this (I think I’ve mentioned this before, but don’t want to read through old posts to check). I can’t explain it, but I can say that I’ve shared it with some people in similar situations who say they’ve experienced the same thing. And I know I have so many people who have been praying for me and carrying that for me, that it’s ok when I don’t. I’ve tried to figure out why this is, along with a lot of things through this experience. Two things stand out- the first is the amount of love God has surrounded me with- probably in preparation to get me through this. I’ve heard the song “In the Eye of the Storm” many times, but the other day I had a realization. There’s a part in the chorus that says “You alone are the anchor when my sails are torn. Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm.” Every time I’ve heard this in the past, I’ve pictured God surrounding a worn, broken boat in the middle of the sea with some imagery of protection like a force field around the boat and God looking down making it happen (don’t laugh). You know what I pictured for the first time the other day- all of you! I actually pictured me sitting on that boat with the faces and bodies of all of you being the “love surrounding me”. Like hundreds of people I love around me, standing on the water (not sure how that would happen), with arms out like a giant group hug just waiting for me and keeping me safe! It was a beautiful picture that I wish I could paint or put on paper somehow. YOU all are the LOVE that God has talked about. You have been in my life in part because He knew His love would be shown to me through you… and He knew I would need it to get through this. A specific example of that is your willingness to lift me in prayer when I just can’t do it on my own. Someday when I’m healthy again, I hope to show you all that same love and surround you when you need it most.
And now that I read how long this became, I’m going say this is part 1 of 2. Part 2 to come tomorrow. Because it’s another long one and I don’t want to bore you too much. 
But I’ll also add the link to that song just in case you haven’t heard it.
I forgot to post from last week’s treatment… so I’ll do it tonight before tomorrow’s treatment. My friend, Christina Dawson, came with me. She was so helpful at the beginning of this diagnosis- helping me navigate this foreign world and connecting me with resources I have used over the last few months. It was nice to spend time with her as we’re nearing the end of chemo. I have 3 more treatments left now. I can do this… I can do 3 more!
The most notable improvement has been with my mouth sores. They are getting better and I am able to enjoy eating some foods. Mostly bland foods, but at least I can eat. My stomach is still getting used to knowing what to do with solids, but this will all improve over time.
My body is still very weak because of my weight loss and fatigue. I look forward to feeling well enough to start working out again and building some muscle. I’m not used to feeling so weak and tired for so long. The other side effects- neuropathy and bone pain continue to be tolerable.
One other difference- if you look very closely in just the right light you can see hair growing back on my head. It’s so light blonde that you can barely tell it’s there. I will continue to wash with shampoo and conditioner… can’t let a few hairs get greasy. Go Cavs and Go Pens! This is an exciting time of year… for a lot of things.
Addendum: not 10 minutes after I wrote that, I was complaining to Rob about how sore my fingernails are and whining that I don’t want to go to treatment tomorrow. I fluctuate from positive to negative just like that. Or maybe I’m always feeling some of both. Hard to describe, but it is what it is.
That may look like it’s just my sister playing with our girls. But that woman right there is so much more than that. She’s my identical twin, which means when she comes to Ohio to visit there’s literally another one of me here. Another human who does things pretty much the same way I do. I’ve been too tired to really play with my girls the way I want to… but she does! I’m just a little too down lately to belt out random songs in a key that’s nowhere near accurate…. but she does! And I don’t have the energy (or referee patience) to stand and play 4-square with the girls… but she can. Today I watched her play 4-square as I sat half-asleep in a nearby chair, remembering what seemed like the hours we played with our brother and cousin, Amy, at the Cool Valley playground every summer. Such a simple game, so many hours of fun. Another moment now that reminds me of my cousin and my childhood. I wish you all could’ve known Amy- she was my example of courage. I think she’d get a kick out of watching our children playing this together. And I love when those kinds of memories come to mind. As much as I wish I wasn’t going through this, I can appreciate the fact that it’s triggering sweet memories…. or maybe it’s just slowing me down enough to recognize and appreciate the memories when they sneak in.
Special visitors today! Aunt Dolly and Uncle Bruce drove from PA this afternoon- bringing pot pies, applesauce, a lesson in Oreo dessert making, and some Strawpump love. She gave me her t-shirt and pinwheel from the Pgh Komen breast cancer walk that she did (you can see in the pics). Bonus that Trisha and her girls were visiting at the same time. Some days feel extra special… this is one of them.
I had a funny conversation with the girls yesterday. Someone mentioned that they make American Girl dolls with no hair. Olivia said with excitement, “Mommy, you could get a look-a-like doll!” Then they proceeded to discuss the things that would make it a perfect match- including erasing half the eyebrows, pulling out most of the eyelashes, and having short brown fingernails. 😆 I added my own suggestion of dark circles under the eyes and tissues in the pocket.
At the beginning of this experience, the idea of those physical changes would’ve bothered me. But at this point, I can find the humor in it. I’m much more concerned with the non-cosmetic issues lately… enough to laugh at my kids discussing the cosmetic ones. Kids always do seem to humble us, right? No different when cancer is added to the equation in life.
Something very exciting happened this evening- I ATE A HAMBURGER! An entire burger from Steak N Shake with cheese and mayo (neither of which I liked prior to today). I also had a milkshake with it. It felt so much like a normal meal. I had to take my mouthwash before it; take bites of applesauce in between; and direct food away from the biggest, lingering mouth sore. But it worked… and I enjoyed it. I’m so hopeful that the lower dose of chemo might mean these mouth sores might improve and stay away. This meal gave me a little hope that enjoying food might be in my near future again. So for tonight, I’ll consider this a victory.
“There is no force equal to that of a determined woman.”
Today I feel like a lucky girl… and that’s not easily said in the middle of a cancer fight. I spent the morning at Olivia’s dance competition (she did great, by the way.) I came home to beautiful flowers planted by even more beautiful friends. Had a visit from my Aunt Pat and cousins. Then had a quiet evening with just Liana at home as Olivia stayed at her friend’s house. And you know what happened in the middle of it all- I ate a sandwich! A gourmet grilled cheese with artichokes from Lockview. For out-of-towners, Lockview is known for their amazing grilled cheese sandwiches. This is the best Saturday I’ve had in a while. I’ve had good moments on Saturdays, but this whole day felt good. I’m exhausted. But tonight, when I lay down for bed, I will close my eyes with a smile on my face.
“Inhale courage, exhale fear.” (Julie Nawrocky Reis)
Six more left. This chemo thing is really getting old, so 6 seems so far away. So we’re just truckin along. My mouth sores are still my biggest complaint, so prayers for those to go away are appreciated. I haven’t gained weight like I was hoping, but my oncologist said my bloodwork shows my nutrition is good (I’ve lost weight but I’m not malnourished). Guess all that Ensure is doing its job. She also said she’s impressed with my progress; including my attitude. (She doesn’t see me at home or read all these posts 
). The treatment itself was pretty typical again today… but with my friend, Michael Clay Donnell stayed to keep me company this time. Thanks for the messages and cards and help this week. I’ve really felt loved. Have a nice Friday, everyone. Eat some pizza or popcorn or a giant chef salad for me!!
And just that quickly (to you all, not me) another week has passed and it’s almost time for another chemo. Thank you to everyone who has checked on me to see how things are going. This week was pretty similar to the last one, so I’m wondering if maybe there is some semblance of a predictable response here. The first couple days after treatment I felt ok but very tired. My neuropathy is worse on Saturdays and Sundays then subsides slowly into Monday and Tuesday. But the gabapentin helps it tremendously. I have intermittent bone pain, but nothing like the intense pain with the A/C chemo. I’m not too nauseous (YAY!!) but still have mouth sores and a crazy sensitive tongue that interfere with eating. (I have prescriptions for it, and I’m doing everything I can.) These also are not as bad as before and don’t start until around Monday. I’ve managed to eat a few new foods this week- cucumbers, bread dipped in soup, and a few bites of cheesecake (thanks, Jen Wedo!) though applesauce and slushies are still my favorite. I’m confident that I will have gained another couple pounds at my weigh-in tomorrow. My fingernails are tender, especially on my index fingers. Cinnamon Leonard, my “personal manicurist” 
😉, has helped me keep them looking ok while I still have them. I still have moments where I’m just tired of all of this and want it to be over. But I try to keep the big picture in mind and realize that tomorrow I’ll have half of my chemo treatments finished!!! Halfway, people!!! That’s progress.
This week’s confession- it’s hard for me to trust God and to pray boldly for healing and for this to never return- mostly because of the implications then if it really would return in the future. Following the suggestion of my friend, Christina Cheronis, I’m asking for you all to pray for that and help carry it for me until I can do it myself. Thank you, as always, for the unending love and support. We’re doing this!!!!!
Scars in the Sunlight 