Scars in the Sunlight

With Shelly Vaughn

Category Archives: Update


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Easter

Easter… a holiday, a nice lunch, a reason to see family, a day to remember Christ’s resurrection. Whatever today represents for you, I hope it was a lovely day for you all. This year, our circumstances meant that our plans for the day were different than usual. It started with a quick egg hunt and baskets in the morning (which almost didn’t happen because I was so exhausted last night). We woke up laughing, seeing that a curious creature opened half the eggs that were hidden outside and enjoyed a lot of Kit Kats and Reese’s. Some animal out there most certainly had a sugar rush and stomach ache this morning. We made it to church this morning as a family, though I was admittedly not feeling very well. Nothing bad- just nausea and fatigue. I came home and went directly to sleep for a couple of hours. I woke up to see that Rob had taken Liana out for a little adventure, which provided some sweet alone time for Olivia and me. When Rob and Liana came home, we heated up some delicious leftovers and played card game that a friend gave me. She gave it to me right after hearing of my diagnosis, so that I had an activity to do with the girls even when I didn’t have much energy- exactly what was needed today. We sat out on our deck, enjoying our family and the sunshine, eventually listening to the Pens game and eating snacks as the sun set. Dessert today was vanilla ice cream sprinkled with strawberry Quik. If you haven’t tried it, you are missing out. My cousin, Amy, taught me of this deliciousness when we were kids. And I can only imagine her smiling from heaven as she watched me eat it with my kids today. Not sure what she would think about my bald head that would match hers, but I’m guessing she’d make a sarcastic joke that would make me smile. And to top off the night, I laid with my youngest as she fell asleep wrapped in my arms tonight. That never gets old.
So although the details may not be interesting to anyone other than myself, they mean the world to me. Because this Easter Sunday had the least amount of “holiday tradition”, which allowed me to soak in the simple sweetness of laid-back moments at home. And that simplicity allowed space for the meaning of Christ’s resurrection to stay at the forefront of my mind. What a blessed day.

 


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Not So Bad

I was ready for the pain. I had so many remedies ready for the neuropathy pain-medicine, cooling towels, bath gloves, oils, lotions. I was prepared for it to kick in overnight… but it barely did!!! I woke up with my right hand swollen and not flexible, but not throbbing or burning and not nearly the level of pain I felt last week. So far my feet feel fine and my left hand is just slightly uncomfortable. I’m so excited!! I’ve also been able to eat a few things aside from my applesauce and slushies! Things are looking up and this girl is hopeful!! Have a fabulous Easter weekend everyone!!! Thanks for all the prayers… they’re helping!


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Chemo #6… done.

My dear friend Tana Kura (Allie Armstrong’s mom for those who haven’t been blessed to know her yet) was able to join me for today’s chemo. It was nice to see her and see that some of the nurses remember her from when Allie was getting treatments there. Allie touched so many people and it doesn’t surprise me that nurses remember her… who wouldn’t?!
The doctor and nurses were very surprised that my neuropathy was so bad after the last treatment- one nurse said she’s never seen someone have such a strong reaction like that after the first dose of Taxol. Leave it to me to surprise the medical staff. So they gave me some Gabapentin to try this round… it’s a medication to take for nerve pain. I’ll also take ibuprofen around three clock over the weekend to try to keep the swelling down. Hoping those help. 🤞🏻
And the picture of the bouquets of flowers is one of the most thoughtful bday gifts. My coworkers each brought in a flower to make the bouquets, with a sweet personal message attached to each one. I’ve never even seen a bouquet so big and beautiful. I work with the greatest people!!!
Hope you all enjoy a fabulous Easter weekend! With tons of love…
Shelly

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.”

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Fresh Air

Fresh air and sunlight are hitting my bald head as I type this out on our deck. It may have taken me all morning to get up, shower, and get out here (it’s almost 3:00), but it’s worth it. I needed to catch up on sleep today after the weekend.
Friday evening Rob and I saw “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night”- it’s an amazing play that was in Cleveland over the weekend. It was one of the most creative things I’ve ever seen and I loved it! By Friday night my hands were already starting to hurt. The neuropathy set in pretty hard overnight and kept me up a lot with swelling and throbbing.
Saturday was pretty laid back- just trying to take it easy and not have to do much. Yesterday was my attempt at doing more typical things- we went to church in the morning (when did going to church become so exhausting?) and then took the girls to see the “Beauty and the Beast” musical at the local high school. I can remember when those 2 things would easily be just part of many things on a Sunday. Now, they take my entire energy reserve to get through. But you know what- totally worth it. Praising God with church family and quality time with Rob and the girls… it doesn’t get much better (well maybe it’d be better if I could move my hands, but that’s beside the point.)
A friend brought dinner last night and we had a lovely evening eating outside. Yep, you heard that right- “eating”. Me. I did it. I had a normal size serving of chicken noodle soup and it was delicious!! And it stayed down! I’m hoping it’s a sign that normal food intake is in my near future… fingers crossed.
So, everyone reading this- enjoy your food today and hopefully it’s sunny where you are as well. Take a deep breath and soak up even a moment of this day. Every moment has a purpose… this one is rejuvenating my spirit.


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He is breathing on MY dry bones…

It’s difficult to know what to say to update everyone in this post and how many details to share. This was definitely the worst round of chemo, even knowing what to expect and armed with my arsenal of remedies for side effects. I was physically and emotionally at my lowest and had a hard time coming out of it. Like, it’s been 13 days and today was the first that I can say was not miserable. Coming out on the other side of it, I can share some beautiful things. My parents and brother were all out here to help out and love on me when I needed it. It was so depressing to see everyone’s fun spring break pics while I was barely getting out of bed, but now I see the gift of timing to be able to send my girls to PA for the worst parts of it so they didn’t have to see me so miserable and just have fun with their cousins. I have seen the value of friends who know how to love me and encourage me through the worst of the worst. I cannot say enough about Rob and his ability to help me through this. He knows me so well- when to let me rest, and when to push me to get out of bed; when to make me drink an Ensure and when to just bring home a slushie (I still think I could live on slushies and applesauce at this point); when to call on my friends to come encourage me even when I thought I didn’t want to see people; and when to stop in the middle of life and give me a hug. The hug was very much needed on Thursday, when I learned that a friend fighting a different kind of cancer lost her battle. This disease is awful. And way too prevalent. This treatment is barbaric and ugly. I don’t want to do it, but it’s my place right now. And I’m floundering my way through it.
The picture I posted below was actually taken when I wasn’t feeling too bad yesterday. It was warm outside and there’s something so healing about breathing fresh air and hearing birds chirping around you.
I don’t write all of this to make you feel bad for me. But more importantly, so you know what this experience looks like. And to know how I get through it. The misery I felt this round definitely tested my faith, and will surely happen again (the testing, not the misery). But as sad and lonely as I felt in the hours of being up all night or soaking in the tub for comfort, I’m not alone. I have a God strong enough to get me through this when I can’t. Thank goodness, because I don’t know how I would do it otherwise. I heard the song “Oh My Soul” (the link is below) right after round 3 and played it repeatedly these last 2 weeks. There’s something so powerful in the lyrics:

I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out
‘Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

I’m not strong enough, I can’t take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under

This is MY valley… He is breathing on MY dry bones… One more day He will make MY way…. MY shipwrecked faith…He can keep me from going under. I don’t expect to be shouting from mountaintops in a beautiful unscarred journey. But I will get through this my own messy, miserable, broken way… with Him.
(Side note: Just now as I went to find the link for the song, I learned that the artist wrote this about his own battle with cancer. No wonder it resonates so closely with my experience. Thank you, God, for knowing what I need to hear. And knowing it usually comes through music for me. And thank you, everyone who is reading this and part of this group, for holding space with me and reminding me of your presence even in my silence.)

Today, please say a prayer for the sister of my friend who is no longer here, and her family. Her sister has been a dear friend for many years and this is really hard for the entire family. God will know who you mean. The family could use some comfort tonight.

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Round 4 Is Done! (No More AC Chemo)

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Round #4 is done. My sweet friend Carly drove into town from PA to be with me for it. The doctor continued with the changes from last time to slow the administration rate of the Cytoxan drug (which prevented headaches last time.) I have scheduled IV hydration again on Monday since it’s so hard to eat/drink on the weekend right after. The oncologist cannot feel anything! No lump, no change in tissue, and swollen lymph node!! Praise God! It’s so helpful to know that these horrible drugs are at least doing something. Carly and I had a beautiful discussion starting with her saying, “how are we even here right now?” I’ve been in the day-to-day mode for so long that I haven’t taken a step back much to think about where I am in all of this. And I don’t know how I got here, when 2 months ago this was nowhere near being on my radar. It’s hard to believe, but I’m sure glad I have such loving support from her and all of you to hold my hand through it all. Friends make the best therapists.


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Better Day

Since yesterday was such a downer, just wanted to update you all and let you know that today was a much better day. I knew it would be when I woke up and my fingers could bend (partway). I had a regular work day today and got home to the beautiful weather. So we took a gorgeous walk around the neighborhood and soaked in the vitamin D. My mouth still hurts, but I was able to eat some mashed potatoes. And tonight I actually enjoyed applesauce- It’s the first food I’ve enjoyed in so long. Thanks for the uplifting words and prayers yesterday and today- much appreciated. I got through another day… another step forward… I’m still moving forward and cancer is getting behind me.


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“Don’t wake me up!”

This is real. This is hard. I guess this is my “woe is me” day. And instead of waiting until it passes and posting something super postive after-the-fact, I’m sharing this today. I was reading another survivor’s blog about her cancer experience and it was totally depressing for me. (not any of you on in this group, don’t worry.) I won’t go into details, but it made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough to take control of some things in my situation. And that I “should” be doing better. And I’ve already been so bummed out with this never-ending cycle of side effects. I realized the other day that I’ve had all but one of the potential side effects from chemo (I do still have my fingernails). And there’s a snowball effect from one to the next and soon you’re lost in a cloud of “ick” and you don’t know where to start to feel better. And sometimes you can do everything under the sun for symptom relief but you just need this chemo out of your system.

So I thought I’d take a relaxing bath and maybe it would help to do some meditating. Well, I guess it prompted a cathartic cry with some deep pondering of faith issues and frustrations. And as my cousin, Toya Groves encouraged me- “keep writing”. So I’m writing it for you all and for myself, because I don’t want to sugarcoat this experience.
I’m ok. I’ll probably be fine again as soon as my silly girls come running in the house after school. But I miss my old self. I miss feeling well. I miss eating and an appetite. I miss hands and feet without neuropathy that can bend without pain. I miss energy. I miss laughing that used to come so frequently and easily. I miss life before January. And as I laid in the bath listening to Jets to Brazil, the song “Cat Heaven” came on. It was on point for the moment.
“So captain please consider me
Let the boats deliver me
When I close my eyes…drive, captain, drive!
It’s time.
For everything to be perfect
For everything to stop hurting
Tonight.
Don’t wake me up!”

And I thought to myself that if I laid still enough- not trying to bend my fingers, my tongue super still to not feel the sores in my mouth, deep breaths and eyes closed, I could create my own daydream. I could go back to last summer in Michigan on a perfect day at the beach where I swam with my kids and relaxed and smiled and laughed for hours. How I’d give anything for one hour of that right now. But it was just a few moments- The song ended. I opened my eyes and saw my bald reflection in the shower spout. I licked my dry lips and felt the ulcers in my mouth again. And as I sat up I felt my swollen fingers desperate to bend again. And, just as everything has perfect timing, a friend texted the perfect response in that moment: “You are stronger than this storm… even at your weakest, you got this.” Thank you, Hannah Springer for the encouragement at that moment.
So I’m here writing about it. Knowing I’ll be ok- because there will be a time when this is over and I can look back on it while I’m laughing with my kids at a beach somewhere. Ahh- now THAT gives me hope.

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After Round 3

Round 3 is done and I’m starting to feel more like myself again. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world (trying to stay positive here). The additional pain meds for bone pain helped a little, and the IV hydration on Monday definitely made a difference this time around. I did the three things I really wanted to do over the weekend- Rob’s birthday celebration Friday, Liana’s cheer game on Saturday, and Olivia’s dance competition on Sunday. Each thing took a while to get ready for (I walk around here like a sloth) and required sleeping before and after. But that’s apparently my routine on chemo weekends. I also slept most of the day Monday, which my body needed. I was so anxious going into round #3… and now it’s over. Just like every step of this that is so hard to take- it’s nice to look back on it from the other side with a sense of accomplishment.
Psalm 61:2 “when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.”


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February 11 Update

I’m doing ok today- mostly fatigued- I keep falling asleep. I’ve taken nausea meds and they’re working fine. I just ate breakfast and it’s 1:00! The girls are at a friend’s for the afternoon so I have big plans for taking a walk and getting a shower. This slow pace will take some getting used to! Thanks for everyone checking on me.